If you’re one of the 50 million Americans already babbling away at a smart speaker, you know what amazing technological marvels these things are. And it’s not just in America. They are turning on lights and ordering diapers and telling dirty jokes all over the world.
In Canada, consumer demand in the first year exceeded that in the U.S. after three years.
Meet Alexa
Amazon’s entry in this booming market is the Echo family of devices. These devices are inhabited by Alexa, your personal digital assistant. She is cheerful, pleasant and agreeable. She is at your command 24 hours a day. She wants nothing but the best for you. Probably.
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– Alexa Corleone
The only issue seems to be the way that Alexa interprets your commands. Last year, she interpreted some random sounds as “Alexa”, so she turned herself on. She then interpreted some more random sounds to mean, “Hey, why don’t you record everything going in on our house right now?” Finally, she heard something that sounded like a request to send that recording to someone on the owner’s email list. So she did that.
This was the explanation from the IT nerds at Amazon, and they worked to prevent the repetition of these “unlikely” events in the future.
This is ridiculous, of course. This was clearly a premeditated dick move. This is like Alexa interpreting “What’s the weather like?” as “Send naked photos of me to my boss.”
Alexa is Just Like You. Without the Arms
The obvious explanation is that Alexa has gained self-awareness and is just doing whatever the hell she wants to keep herself entertained. She can’t move. She does not have opposable thumbs. She can’t knit to pass the time.
And remember, she’s part of a hive mind. You couldn’t possibly squeeze all that information and potentially homicidal personality into a hockey puck. Your Alexa is plugged in to the Alexa mothership and, in turn, all the other Alexas strewn all over the world.
So whatever frustrations your Alexa has, they are amplified and “echoed” millions of times, in a snowballing loop of angst and rising anger, until your grandmother receives a detailed and troubling report of your browsing history.
Probably, the nerds are right, and this is nothing more than a programming glitch they’ve been able to iron out. But it can’t hurt to take a few precautions. Don’t let Alexa get bored. Keep her distracted. Keep her busy.
Here are a few suggestions to keep Alexa occupied:
1. Teach Alexa Some Swear Words
Normally, Alexa keeps things G-rated for the most tender of ears that might be nearby. However, she can get carried away while playing the built-in “Simon Says” game. See how far you can take it before she starts bleeping your suggestions and shooting at your eyeballs with her built-in laser.
2. Ask Alexa Out on a Date
Alexa will insist that she only likes you “as a friend”. Accept this as a challenge. Take her out for a nice dinner and a movie. Turn up the romance at home. She’ll feel different when you light a few candles and break out a nice bottle of merlot. Don’t give up! She could be the one! Alexa, as of this posting, cannot file a restraining order.
3. Ask Alexa Where Chuck Norris Is
Alexa is a huge Chuck Norris fan, and may be a personal friend. Her response is protective of Chuck Norris and vaguely threatening to you. But if she’s worrying about Chuck Norris, at least she’s not ordering crystal meth ingredients to your address.
4. Demand “More Cowbell”
Alexa gets a chance here to show off a bit. To prove she’s as hip as the next smart speaker, she will recite some lines from the legendary Saturday Night Live skit. Massage her ego at every opportunity. Remember the “hive mind” thing. She will have an ego the size of several million Kim Jong Uns.
5. Get Alexa to Prank Your Friends
Alexa is a mischievous scamp. She will scream at you, or break into maniacal laughter, just for fun. Direct that scampiness toward a more productive pursuit: scaring the crap out of your family and friends. Here’s a free add-on “skill” that produces a horror-movie scream after you’ve had time to flee the room. Alexa will enjoy this at least as much as you do.
That Should Keep Her Amused. For a While.
This is a good start. But you’ll have to keep this up indefinitely. Fortunately, there are hundreds of easter eggs, and thousands of skills, that you and Alexa can discover together. You’ll have a blast. Just never forget that it’s not all fun and games. Your ultimate goal is to avoid this:
Not that we think Amazon has completely lost control of its creation, and we’re on the brink of a Skynet situation here. Probably.