Welcome to Pigs Gorge

Hello world! Are you busy? Do you have a minute? I really hate to intrude.

Ummm…yeah.   Hello there, world.  On behalf of the vibrant and dynamic community of Pigs Gorge, welcome to our website.  We’re kinda new to this interweb thing, but Dennis’s nephew thought it might be a good way to “drag this backwater hellscape out of the middle ages”, and the idea somehow caught on, so…here we are.

“Don’t be intimidated. It’s easy,” said Dennis’s nephew. “The software is very intuitive.”

I wonder if it intuitively knows how much I hate it. If you could watch me making this website, it would be like watching an angry baboon trying to operate a backhoe.

Still, will of the people and all that. I will forge ahead in their service. As required in the town charter.

Any and all civic duties not explicitly assigned to other town officials, including activities not yet considered or anticipated, shall be assigned to the mayor, until such time as they are classified and reassigned through a council motion, supported by a majority of council members.

Pigs Gorge Town Charter, Article I, Section 2, Row 5, Seat 7.

Any volunteers to put together the website everyone voted for? Everyone but me, that is? Anyone? Dennis’s shithead nephew, perhaps? Oh, he went back home already? Of course he did.

Right. Well, let’s just get this over with, then.

First of all, as acting mayor, I’d like to extend my most sincere sympathies to Betty and family at the tragic passing of our beloved, long-serving mayor, Hank “Buddy” Howard.   Being gored to death by a moose while hunting said moose might strike some as satisfyingly ironic, but we take a dim view of schadenfreude  in these parts.  We choose to celebrate the fact that Buddy died doing what he loved most: shooting things.

I can’t hope to fill Buddy’s well-worn boots, but I was the only idiot to put up my hand at the emergency town hall meeting, and a man’s word is his bond, even if he was just stretching after catching a quick nap during Elsie Brown’s report on her shingles situation.  Honestly, Elsie, you might want to stay close to home while those rashes heal up.  You’re scaring the kids.  Anyway, until a new mayor is chosen in the traditional Duel of the Shovels, I’ll do my best to keep the desk tidy.  Buddy always liked a tidy desk.   It was certainly uncontaminated by work, and I plan to abide by that time-honoured tradition.

Boy, I’m looking forward to a good old-fashioned shovel-whacking.

A few Pigs Gorgons questioned the need for a town website.  About the most exciting thing that ever happens around here is some asshat from the city will come out to our garbage transfer station and fill up our dumpsters with his old living room set, so he doesn’t have to pay 20 bucks to take it to the city dump.  We get pretty riled on the Facebook when that happens, I can tell you.   Also, stray pets and small children are occasionally hauled off by wild animals, but that’s nature’s way.  No point in getting all worked up about it.  Nature.  She’s a scamp!

Still, many more citizens felt we had something unique and valuable to offer the world.  A perspective and way of life that’s largely forgotten in today’s fast-paced, shallow, self-absorbed society.  A simple philosophy that applies to every man, woman and child, no matter where they are, or what they think of The Big Bang Theory (the show or the astrophysics).  It was true when we were sparse tribal communities living in caves; it is especially true now that we are crawling all over the planet, with exciting, liberating, powerful, unpredictable, dangerous and deadly technologies at our disposal. We can travel anywhere. We can talk to anyone. We can fuck things up on a pants-shitting scale. Which makes this fundamental, if often forgotten, fact about human existence, more relevant than ever:

We’re all in this together.

Except Dennis.  He’s on his own.  Who lets his fool nephew go shooting his mouth off when there’s a perfectly good ravenous brown bear going hungry?  If you get my drift.  Just for future reference.    

Harry Blunder, Acting Mayor